TOGETHER AZ NEWSPAPER
Monday, February 11, 2013
Is it Love or Codependence?
By Ken Richardon BSW, LISAC, CADAC & Mary Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC, CADAC
While February is thought of as the month of Love, Romance and Valentines, it is also the month of Expectations, Fantasy and Disappointment. So, what better time to talk about relationships?
Nearly all of us desire love and loving. We have heard how love heals all wounds. That love is the answer. Love fills the heart and soul. That we are here to learn how to love and be loved. There are numerous love songs playing on the radio at any given moment and books and movies about love. In many spiritual teachings it is said that love is the answer. We are surrounded with TV and magazine ads that promise if we dress a certain way or use a particular product, we will find love. Or if we look a particular way, have the right credentials, the right car…..then we will be lovable. Human beings love, love. It is the Holy Grail…..to love and be loved.
And understandably, human beings are relational by nature. We relate to each other, ourselves, a Higher Power, the earth, our pet friends, our cars or any other thing we have connected with. The fact is, we are relational.
Some of us have been blessed with love in our lives and some of us have not. Instead we have experienced rejection, hurt or abandonment. But the desire to love and be loved never leaves. It may be buried deep inside where no one can touch it, but it is still there….the desire for loving relationships.
One of the greatest detriments to loving relationships is codependence. Codependence is the “dysfunction” in dysfunctional relationships. It is the “fantasy” in romance. It is the “enmeshment” in oneness and it is the “avoidance” in independence.
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCE ?
Ken and Mary Richardson
“Codependence is learned patterns of unhealthy and dysfunctional thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors which adversely affect an individual’s relationship with themselves and others. It is cyclic and progressively results in mild to chronically severe consequences. Codependence is primarily learned in childhood through experiences of abuse, abandonment, neglect or enmeshment and/or a significant traumatic event. Codependent thoughts and beliefs generally manifest in moderate to extreme passive and/or aggressive behaviors, which may include avoidant, enmeshing and/or controlling behaviors. Codependence often develops into and is masked by addictions and other compulsive behaviors and is generally seen as the underlying cause of addiction and relapse. Codependence is treatable and generally results in an individual’s progressively healthy and loving relationship with themselves and others.” Kenneth T. Richardson, BSW, LISAC , CADAC and Mary L. Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC, CADAC
4 TYPES OF EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
1. SUPRESSION - Conscious stuffing of feelings
2. REPRESSION - Unconscious stuffing of feelings
3. DEPRESSION - Psychological process of internalizing feelings, especially pain and/or anger
4. EXPRESSION - The Natural , healthy and appropriate, expression of feelings in real time.
Why I Drank
by Ruby Mae Heard
Now I share this poem with you:
'I drank for joy and became miserable.
I drank to be outgoing and became self centered.
I drank to be sociable and became lonely.
I drank for friendship and made enemies.
I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity.
I drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
I drank for strength and felt weak.
I drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
I drank for confidence and felt unsure
I drank for courage and became afraid
I drank for assurance and became doubtful
I drank to forget thoughts and had blackouts
I drank for conversation and tied my tongue
I drank to be in heaven and I came to know hell
I drank to forget and became haunted
I drank for freedom and became a slave (of alcohol)
I drank to ease problems and saw them multiply
I drank to cope with life and invited death.
I drank because I had the 'right' to and everything turned out wrong.
TO TREAT ADDICTION, TREAT TRAUMA
by Alison Knopf
In the "Addiction Professional" article entitled "To Treat Addiction, Treat Trauma" by Alison Knopf, she states "After a payment-driven hiatus of more than two decades, 'trauma' is making a comeback in addiciton treatment. Experts are saying now, as they did more than a generation ago, that treating addicion without treating underlying trauma in patients who are trauma victima is likely to lead to relapse." To read the full article click on this link.
Recovery: What's a Coach Got To Do With It?
By Bill Ryan BRI-1, RAS, CLC
In our world today, getting sober may be easier than staying sober. Talking about addiction recovery has finally come out from under the rug, yet mainstream media’s myopic view of addiction is still focused on celebrity mishaps in tabloids and analysis on TV talk shows. It’s no secret ‘sensationalism’ sells newspapers and increases ratings. Getting the attention tuned to recovery success stories still has a way to go.
For any newcomer it’s the “living part,” after treatment or detox — where things get tricky. Joining and becoming part of a 12 step fellowship has worked since Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson met some 70 plus years ago.
It was recommended when I first got sober to find a sponsor, and truthfully I didn’t know what that meant. I was hesitant to ask anyone, because my pride kept me from “looking as if I didn’t know.” I soon overcame that mistake and was introduced to a woman whom I still consider instrumental in making my first few years of recovery bearable — and eventually fun. Today, in addition to having a 12 step sponsor, many people are choosing to enhance their growth with a recovery coach.
We wanted to share with you reasons why someone might choose to have a coach through an interview with our colleague, Bill Ryan. Bill is not only a recovery and life coach and sponsor of many; he is also an addiction specialist and interventionist.